1. |
garden ii (intro)
01:37
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I’ve been searching
For the wrong thing
And i’ve been chasing it for years
A long wilted garden
I’ve replanted
It won’t bloom
'Till i’m beneath it
Does all beauty
Need to disappear
So that it can be born again?
What if i don’t want to?
What if i don’t want to?
Leave this place and then come back
?
What if i don’t want to?
What if i don’t want to?
Leave this place
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2. |
to begin
03:27
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Open container on the train at twelve
With a paper bag
Arizona disguise
Greyhound buses and ID checks
Shared beds across state lines
No juliet law in sight
It’s all normal until it’s not
And of course I thought that the world was on fire
Burning houses are all i’ve ever known
And the warmth can start to feel like home
After a season
Or a couple
Or a decade or two
Hurt myself and call it independence
I’ll tell you the truth
As long as you don’t call my parents
We pinky promise
I say that it’s for the better
It all works perfect until you get caught
And of course I thought that the world was on fire
Burning houses are all i’ve ever known
And the warmth can start to feel like home
After a season
Or a couple
Or a decade or two
And I wonder when i’ll start sleeping through the whole night
Thought I would’ve aged into that by now
And if asking to belong is too much,
Can I at least least ask to begin?
Ask to begin
Can’t blame the you that didn’t know better
Thought I would have believed that by now
And if I grow old and still can’t sleep through the night
At least i can say I tried
It’s not your fault
No one taught you to survive
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3. |
who we said we'd be
03:14
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I jump when i hear sirens, still
and our hometown’s bright lights,
they still blind me
you carry the weight of our families
over your shoulder
while I stay where we were all born
I made this choice
although I'm not sure that it was right
late nights make it look like everyone
stayed in touch except me
looks like they all grew up
into who we said we’d be
tried to dress in my old clothes
they’re bursting at the seams
but i’m almost as small
as i was when i turned fifteen
one’s a nurse down in the south now
but her beliefs, i think they’ve changed
one went back home to the beaches
where it’s beautiful
but the sirens sound all day
one of us, she’ll be a teacher
show her kids
what we weren’t taught
picking up a phone and catching up
'
cause i’ll admit it
these are all stories from my screen
late nights make it look like everyone
stayed in touch except me
looks like they all grew up
into who we said we’d be
tried to dress in my old clothes
they’re bursting at the seams
but i’m almost as small
as i was when i turned fifteen
and as time turns
I fear
that I'm not as different
as it seems
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4. |
too hard
03:02
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I’m like a haunted house with a warning sign
That the neighborhood kids explore on Friday nights
Know what they’re walking into
And then are still afraid
When the floors speak
Or the door shuts on its own
I’m the oversized luggage that you weighed in your room twice
That you knew wouldn’t make it on the flight
So you stay back
Watch your plane fly
'Cause you couldn’t bear
To leave me behind
What if this is all i’m meant for?
And i’ve been doomed from my start
What is this is all i’m meant for?
Is loving me just way too hard?
Is loving me just way too hard?
I’m scared of living but i don’t know much else
Is this the best it’s gonna get?
And i wish i could see myself
Through my dog’s eyes
As loving and capable
And kind
And in another universe i remember my dreams
And over there i’m self aware
And over there i know how to make
Myself feel better
When i’m kicking and screaming like a child
What if this is all i’m meant for?
The extra weight that drowns the lifeboat
What if this is all i’m meant for?
To run away when things get hard
And loving me was way too hard
Loving me was way too hard
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5. |
body bag
03:01
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I’m playing god again
I know i promised that i wouldn’t
Try to control it all again
I know deep down I can’t
Sign myself up for the guillotine
Hoping it’ll clear my head
Clear my head
Maybe if the blame was on someone else
It wouldn’t hurt as bad
As bad
I swear that I won’t put myself in a body bag
Not anymore
Not anymore
Raided the devil’s closet again
So I could wear sheep’s clothing
I know no one would notice then
When I walk the green mile
And I can’t tell myself apart
From who I was at 21
I know it’s what I wanted but
What I want isn’t good for me
Maybe if the blame was on someone else
It wouldn’t hurt as bad
As bad
I swear that I won’t put myself in a body bag
Not anymore
Not anymore
I swear that I won’t put myself in a body bag
Not anymore
Not anymore
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6. |
like poetry
02:40
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I know I can’t claim a city
But here is all i’ve ever known
When the whole world wants what you’ve always had
There’s nowhere else to go
Everywhere else feels suffocating
And now new york does too
I told you it’s not like the movies
But i meant nothing
Nothing to you
I know
I know I can’t claim a city
But I walk this one with eyes closed
Throw me a rope and i’ll lead you underground
Where nothing worthwhile grows
I’m scared that i’m the only one suffocating
And that the fault is all on me
I kind of wish it was like the movies
Where meaning nothing
Feels like poetry
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7. |
for now
02:22
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My heart is here
My heart was left across the country on the coast
My heart is here
And i’ve been falling sleep on the couch
With my dog again
My heart is here
And I have never had someone to leave behind
If I look back
Will I turn from stone to salt?
I worry that
I'm letting myself fall in love with you
And I fear that
I won’t want to run away anymore
and running is all I know
My heart is here
I hid it underneath the books you’d like to read
And I won’t tell
It’s my little secret
For now
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8. |
feeling too much
02:53
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I know I tend to write so the story’s a bit hidden
But that’s quite a disservice when it comes to you
I love you I love you I love you I love you
I don’t think I could hide how I felt
if I wanted to
I could dance around the words
Call to show you every sunset
Talk about you to every person I meet
Tell you that the moon’s light
Shines only for you
That I hear your voice
In every answering machine
And it’s true that I write so the story’s a bit hidden
But usually i’m scared of the tales that I tell
I love you I love you I love you I love you
The only thing to fear is if you knew how much
I think i’m scared
I’m feeling too much
I love you I love you I love you I love you
Are you scared too?
Am I feeling too much?
I think I'm scared
I'm feeling too much
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9. |
this place
03:02
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I come from nobody’s hometown
But they all say it’s what they’ve been out searching for
Stay a while, “it’s not a place to raise a family”
And then go back to where they had come running from
You all say I turned out fine
But i’m still searching for what you all came to find
Every corner is a story i’ve begged my mind to erase
And if I let myself
I’ll spend forever trying to love this place
Teenage years of empty parks, emptier bottles
Sterile white walls meant to fix me caving in
No football fields, girlfriends or what i was meant to dream of
If I could I would trade it out in a heartbeat
You all say I turned out fine
But i’ll always be searching for what i’m too grown to find
Every corner is a story i’ve begged my mind to erase
And if I let myself
I’ll spend forever trying to love this place
What a blessing to have something to lose
All this gratitude feels more like a noose
Every corner is a story i’ve begged my mind to erase
And if I let myself
I’ll spend forever trying to love this place
I’m terrified of changing
Is it worse to stay the same?
And if I let myself
I’ll spend forever trying to leave this place
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10. |
apollo's song
04:02
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The dog meant to outlive me is starting to get old
My best friend's name will change soon
Floral blueprints on the floor
And i’ve thought a lot of leaving
The only city that i’ve ever known
Thought i clipped its wings
But somehow time’s flown by
And i never saw myself walking down an aisle
Couldn’t imagine what i’d look like past 25
Dreams were a luxury that i couldn’t afford
And now
I'm living a future i never thought i’d have
The dog meant to outlive me is showing her white hair
My little brother’s off to college
Someone had to please my parents
And i’m starting to worry
That i won’t ever adapt to this
Thought i clipped its wings
But somehow time’s flown by
And i never saw myself walking down an aisle
Couldn’t imagine what i’d look like past 25
Dreams were a luxury that i couldn’t afford
And now
I’m living a future i never thought i’d have
What do you do with a life you didn’t plan for?
Sucker punched straight into your wildest dreams
And worries too, good things never come unpunished
Think i might finally stop praying for relief
And i never saw myself walking down an aisle
But i’m starting to look pretty damn close to 25
Dreams were a luxury that i couldn’t afford
And now
I’m living a future i never thought i’d have
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11. |
grown
03:04
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There is nothing I want more
Than to be someone else
My recurring wish on birthday candles
And the grass
Might not be greener
But i’m sure it’s easier to take care of
There is nothing I fear more than growing into my skin
What if this is the best it gets?
And the flowers
They might not be taller
But i’m sure they needed less to grow
I’m still scared of the dark
Terrified of growing up
But I think I might be grown
I'm still scared of aging
Terrified of clocks turning
But I think I might be grown
There is nothing I fear more
Than learning i’ve found myself
And that this is all there is
My whole eternity searched for meaning
I was sure there must be something more than this
What if there isn’t more than this?
I’m still scared of the dark
Terrified of growing up
But i think I might be grown
I'm still scared of aging
Terrified of clocks turning
But I think I might be grown
I think I might be grown
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